My #100 post...

About a year ago, I departed from Penang island to PJ here. Or, I should say 'left'.

Yeah, it was mainly for the sake of changing to new job. That's what I'd told people including myself.

But deep inside my mind, I ain't know what was I doing that for actually.

Was it because of the past? I had failed? Stuck at the hole like forever where I had the big fall?

I don't know, till now. And I wouldn't tell anyone, even to myself. Because I was too afraid to face it perhaps. Fear, because of the unlikeliness/helplessness to change over things during my downhearted course of time.

Since my move to the new place, it turned out way harsh and ugly. It was all ugly around me. It began in my work, ended up in my living.

Two times I had given up to fight against the big waves of 'inhumanities' befell upon me. Two times I had placed my trusts back to the ship captains. Yet, this time, even the ship captain quit himself. Huh?

Is it worth that I've turned back again? Again I can't tell.

Before I could find an answer to that, I was hit by another biggest quest in life - love.

But first, is it really love that I'm thinking or feeling? Is that what's she been trying to tell? I failed to respond once to a girl, and this time, I can barely feel the presence of my enthusiasm anymore. I kinda feel the forever lost of the missing piece of puzzle in my heart.

What's the purpose of life without a goal? I couldn't find a solid answer to that yet but I know for sure I wouldn't want others to fall together with me. I always want to be alone. I want to amplify my inner voice outside to my ears.

If I ever failed you once terribly, I'm sorry for that, really. That's because I would not have wanted to fail you another time. You should move on, because I will too.

21 July '08
~ with a big question mark on future ~